Conversations With My Id

My daughter was not baptized. I was but never really cared much about church and the Catholic way. That said, my wife wants our son to be baptized and after some, shall we say heated, discussion we agreed to do it. Last night she and I attended a mandatory class that was to prepare us for the sacrament. Now to say that I didn’t take it seriously would be an understatement. I honestly didn’t give it a chance. I’m still not sure if I feel bad about that but I know my wife wasn’t very happy about it. (Side note: I know she’s reading this and let me take this time to apologize if I embarrassed her. I swear – no one saw me playing games or checking my email on my iPhone…or falling asleep.)

I don’t know what I’m hoping to sort out by typing this but the whole thing has been on my mind for a while now. Last night was the first time I really had to confront the fact that my wife called my bluff and we are, in fact, getting my son baptized. To tell the truth I didn’t think she’d be able to set it all up. She’s fully capable and isn’t lazy in the least, rather I didn’t think she’d have time. Jackson (our son) is quite a handful and her job requires that she leaves the house before dawn. She is often almost too tired to function – understandably! But God love her, she did it, as she always does. I honestly don’t know how she does everything she does. Laundry, taking care of Jax, keeping the house presentable…the list goes on. Somehow in all of this she even found time to call a church, set up friends and family to be the Godparents (which I agreed to, not expecting this), set a date and even invite people! Maybe it’s the fact that she put so much into it that is making me think that it’s the right choice.

My feelings on the Catholic church are largely negative. NOTE: these are MY opinions and hardly those of my wife or (I would assume) anyone else. I don’t remember ever having an experience where my Faith (capital “F”) led me to something of a divine answer. I don’t agree with much of the doctrine and dogma associated with Catholicism. I was baptized at an age before I had free will, before I know what the heck was going on. I know my parents thought they were doing the right thing but I respectfully disagree with them. My mother gave me the gift – and curse – of questioning things. Sometimes I question too much. Okay, OFTEN I question too much. But when it comes to questions of Faith and religion you cannot pose queries too much or often. My problem is that I can’t justify “Just pray about it” or “According to the Bible…” as legitimate answers. Come to think of it I don’t believe I ever have.

Needless to say I believe few things that The Catholic Church believes. I’m fine with homosexuals (love is love) and female church leaders (it doesn’t matter how you get an answer, so long as you do), but I disagree that tithing is something that God or Jesus really wants us to do. Really? God needs my money. (Sorry…that was rather small of me. Please ignore that last comment.)

The fact that my son is going to be baptized isn’t really what’s bothering me, at least I don’t think so. I believe the real problem in my mind is what I just said: I can’t agree with some of the more important aspects of the Catholic church. If I’m supposed to teach my child/children the ways of the religion I am having them “baptized in” (if that’s the proper term) shouldn’t I believe them too? Before I go on, let me say that this isn’t the same as telling a kid that Santa is real or the tooth fairy exists. This is supposed to be something that they never “grow out of”, thus making it more important, right?

So Jackson Miles will be baptized early next month. Perhaps there is something to learn from all this. I tend to figure things like that out well after the fact. Whatever there is or may be to learn on my part I know that I have to reexamine what my role as a father is going to be in this part of his life. With my daughter I don’t get much of a choice in a lot of what she does. I only have her on (if I’m lucky) two days a week. My son however is always here and is always watching me for cues as to what it takes to be a responsible man. Granted, he’s only twenty months old but there is an unmistakable spark in his eye when he watches me interact with people that isn’t there when he looks at my wife. I’ve been convinced for a very long time that the father/son relationship develops over time, just as the father/daughter relationship but something about it is more…innate? Daughters tend to cling to their fathers at a certain point in their early lives but sons – sons seem to bond instantly with the father. From the first time I held my son I knew my life was going to be different in so many interesting ways. Of course I felt the same way when I held my daughter for the first time but there was a certain something that I STILL can’t put my finger on that is just…different? Something, a small voice inside maybe, spoke very clearly to me when Jax looked up at me. The voice reminded me that while my daughter will look up to me for how a man is supposed to treat her, my son is going to be looking up to me for how HE is supposed to treat EVERYONE. There are a great number of country songs about sons emulating their dads – and for good reason. It’s the truth.

Now that my dad is gone I can look back with 20/20 vision at our relationship. Never – not once – in my early childhood did I want someone to be proud of me or love me as much as him. I wanted to be just like him. I wanted to know he was always there for me – and he always was. I also wanted to know that I could trust him. I knew I could. I never had to question it. Today looking back I couldn’t remember a time we ever talked about religion, as least not as it pertained to to my own spiritual life. Our discussions – if memory hasn’t been tainted by the rosy glasses of nostalgia – centered around how the Bible was at best written 75 years after the death of Jesus. We talked about the more subjective (?) parts of the Catholic faith. We also talked about how I should go to church to make my mom happy.

I don’t want my son to come up to me one day and ask why I don’t go to church but I had him baptized. Why did his mother and I (okay…mostly mother) go through the trouble of setting everything up and have the sacrament performed if I don’t believe it myself.

I don’t have an answer for him.

My wife thinks that not having him baptized would mean that we’re basically telling him that we don’t care about his spiritual needs. I see her point. Honestly, I do. But I don’t understand how getting him baptized in a faith that neither she nor I practice shows that we care. At best my wife and I are “Creaster” folks (Christmas and Easter church-goers).

I can’t even say that I agree with the basic reason behind baptism. Original sin? My baby is a horrible person because a distant relative didn’t honor God? That seems a bit of a stretch to me. Besides that, it just seems depressing.

When all is said and done Jackson Miles will be baptized. All I can do later when (not if) he asks the questions I’m expecting is tell him the truth. If he’s anything like me – and he already is – he’ll come up with even more interesting questions that the ones I’m worrying about now. My daughter is six and has been asking tough, deep questions for the better part of two years already. If that math hold true I only have another year to get my answers straight and better thought out.

I know what I believe and hold to be true. My wife has her believes and truths. Some overlap, most don’t. Perhaps that’s a lesson in itself: two people with, as it turns out, very different views on some things can live happily together. Much like different religions and theologies. The world is a big place full of big ideas and all we can do is ask questions and search for answers.

Or maybe I should just pray for some?

July 12/13, 2011